One of my first experiences as a marriage counselor found me to be in way over my head. The married choir director of the church I attended was having an affair with the pastor's wife. I spent almost an entire night trying to convince the pastor's wife to end her affair, but she was resolute in her conviction that she had married the wrong man, and had found the right man for her.
I talked with her about how she was violating her marriage commitment to her husband, and also to God Himself. That discussion went nowhere. I explained how damaging this would be to her children. She felt they would be fine. The argument that the choir director had proven his untrustworthiness by simply having the affair with her, and that her relationship would end in disaster was unconvincing.
Finally, I explained to her that the affair was the worst thing she could possibly do to her husband. He was absolutely devasted by it. But she could care less about what he was going through. She lacked empathy.
If she could have felt the effect of what she was doing to her husband, she would not have had the affair. It was her lack of empathy that made it possible.
It turns out that the pastor's wife did divorce her husband and then married the choir director. Her husband lost his job in the church never to preach again, and her children suffered terribly over the next few years. After her new husband had an affair while married to her, which I had warned her about, she divorced him. What a mess!
Today, I am better equipped to save marriages like my pastor's marriage. But I am still amazed by the total lack of empathy that she had for her husband. She didn't want to understand and share his feelings. She was able to turn off her empathy switch. She didn't want to feel guilt or remorse.
But how was that possible? Was she sociopathic?
No, the pastor's wife behaved like many of the spouses I've counseled who are having an affair. And they were all quite normal prior to their affair.
Granted, there are some people who seem to have more difficulty than others in turning on and off their empathy switch. Some can't seem to help having empathy for almost everybody, including almost every living creature. And there are others who have a much easier time than most when it comes to turning off the switch. But for most of us, we can choose to develop empathy for those that we care for, and turn it off for those we do not care for. So, for most people, the decision to care for someone is usually the crucial factor in having empathy.
I define marriage as a relationship of mutual extraordinary care. That's usually what couples understand a marriage to be at the time they are married.
But to keep that commitment to each other, couples must decide to give each other as much care as they give themselves for the rest of their lives together. And with empathy, that's much easier to do. If you feel the effect you are having on each other, you care for yourselves when you care for each other. In marriage, spouses should keep their empathy switch on and resist turning it off.
Empathy helps makes your marriage great because you need to know the effect that you are having on each other and be able to improve the effect. When you do something that makes your spouse feel bad, you should feel bad so that you would be motivated to avoid that feeling. When you do something that makes your spouse feel good, you would be motivated to do more of it so that you would feel good more often. There is no better motivation to do the right thing in marriage than for you to feel what your spouse feels.
For years, I have wanted to create empathy chips for couples. They would be implanted in each spouse's pleasure and pain centers that would relay the specific emotional effect they have on each other. They would then be able to feel, first hand, how the other person reacts. They would not be able to turn off their empathy switch after the chips would be implanted.
But since empathy chips are not yet available (and I'm not sure it would be ethical), you must learn how to leave your empathy switch on when you are married. When your spouse is happy, are you happy, too? When your spouse is unhappy, do you feel sad? If you know how to feel empathy for your spouse, your next question would be, what can I do to make my spouse happy, and what can I do to avoid making my spouse unhappy? When you have that information, you could then use it to provide the extraordinary care that defines what your marriage should be.
You and your spouse know what makes you happy and unhappy in marriage. So, after you have both agreed to leave your empathy switches on so that you can feel what each other feels, the next step is to give each other information regarding your reactions to each other.
There are two ways to formally gather that information from each other: (1) Questionnaires, and (2) Feedback Worksheets. I encourage you to gain a much better understanding of each other's reactions so that while your empathy switches are on, you learn how to avoid being each other's source of unhappiness and become each other's greatest source of happiness.
Questionnaires
I offer two questionnaires that help couples understand how they affect each other. The first is the Emotional Needs Questionnaire and the second is the Love Busters Questionnaire. They are both free of charge by downloading (use the links). Complete them periodically to see your progress in making each other happy and avoiding hurting each other.
My books, His Needs, Her Needs, Love Busters and their accompanying workbook Five Steps to Romantic Love can help you meet unmet emotional needs and eliminate love busters that you discover when completing these questionnaires.
Feedback Worksheets
Years ago, I created a game that I called the Love Bank Game. It was a deck of cards that had Love Unit numbers ranging from +4 to -4. Throughout the week spouses would hand each other a card based on their reaction to what the other person had just done. At the end of the week, they would tally up the scores and discuss what they could do to improve their scores for the next week.
Those cards never were manufactured, because I found an easier and more informative way to accomplish the same thing: Feedback Worksheets.
Each spouse simply makes a daily list of how they react to each other. It's usually not more than five or six entries each day. The list includes both positive and negative reactions so that they know what they do that is appreciated most and what not to do.
Will They Work?
Questionnaires and Feedback Worksheets work for some and don't work for others. The deciding factor is empathy. If you receive this information from a questionnaire or a worksheet, and understand what your spouse is feeling, even feel what your spouse is feeling, you will be highly motivated to change your behavior. Making your spouse happy will make you happy.
But if you receive the information, and react defensively instead of proactively, these exercises may do more harm than good. Your spouse has just given you access into his or her most private and intimate experiences. How will you react? Your response will either draw you closer together, or drive you further apart.
If you know how to leave your empathy switch on, you will grow in mutual understanding and compatibility with the information you gather from each other. But without empathy, you will grow apart and your spouse will fall victim to your lack of extraordinary care.
Need help with developing empathy in marriage?
Try out the Four Gifts of Love® Class, Lesson 1, for free. This class offers helpful guidelines for sharing the Emotional Needs Questionnaire and the Love Busters Questionnaire. It will also teach you MANY ways to turn on your "empathy switch" in marriage.
Or need more help?
Jennifer Chalmers, PhD, has over 30 years of marriage coaching experience. She can help you restore your love and empathy in marriage.
