By Jennifer Harley Chalmers

 

Sam had prepared a delicious meal to surprise Sue after she had a stressful day at work. It was her favorite: grilled salmon. He knew that this was a very busy week for her and he wanted to help relieve that stress by having dinner ready when she walked through the door.

However, just as Sue was about to leave for home, she was asked by her supervisor to attend an emergency meeting. What she thought would last only a few minutes turned into two hours.

“Why isn’t she calling or responding to my texts?” Sam thought. “I made this dinner just for her. It makes me think I care more about her than she cares about me.”

Sam wasn’t angry, he was just disappointed that she would not have let him know about her change in plans. But as a way to keep his disappointment from escalating into anger as the two hours slowly went by, he came up with an empathetic thought: “Something must have happened to Sue that prevented her from calling or texting. She’s been working under so much stress that maybe this was a bad time to surprise her with dinner.” Unable to reach her, he ended up waiting until she arrived home. 

When Sue finally walked through the door, she caught a whiff of the delicious meal. “Oh, you prepared a special dinner for me tonight! I’m so sorry I’m late. No excuses, but our boss called a last-minute meeting that everyone had to attend,” she said with a sigh. “I’m exhausted, and I should have texted you. All I wanted was to get home.” Sam welcomed her, and they ate the overcooked salmon together.

While Sam handled his disappointment with empathy, Sue lacked empathy in that situation. She was so busy with the problems she faced at work, that she didn’t even think about him until she was home.

The Power of Empathy: Transforming a Marital Disaster into a Marital Victory

Empathy in marriage is both an emotional and rational understanding of your spouse—you feel what your spouse feels and you know why your spouse does what they do. The emotional part of empathy enables you to experience their happiness and sadness. You may have this part of empathy if you see your spouse accidentally hit their thumb with a hammer; you may “feel” their pain through a sudden physiological reaction in your own body.

To further illustrate this emotional part of empathy, imagine a marriage ceremony with a “oneness machine.” Upon exiting, spouses would directly experience each other’s feelings, with their emotional centers mirroring the effects of their interactions. If such a machine existed, couples would instinctively provide care and protection for one another, as their emotional connection would be immediate and consistent. To care for each other would be the same as caring for themselves because they would feel the effect of what they do for each other.

While we don't have this type of machine, we do have at least some ability to experience each other's feelings, particularly in times of suffering. Research suggests that an infant who hears another infant crying—regardless of their own emotional state—will often begin to cry as well, joining in the distress of the other.1 This can be quite challenging for parents of twins! Within their second year, some toddlers will even attempt to alleviate the suffering of the one in distress.2 I witnessed this firsthand when our toddler daughter, upon hearing her infant sister cry, would place a doll in the crib and soothingly say, "It otay, Beebers."

Although we are naturally wired to empathize and share in another person's feelings, our emotional understanding can sometimes become dulled for various reasons, even toward those we care about the most. Life's stresses, misunderstandings, and daily distractions can create barriers that hinder our ability to connect empathetically with our loved ones. This is why it's essential to actively and intentionally practice the second part of empathy with our spouse: a rational understanding.

A valuable skill that aids in achieving this rational understanding is what I call an “empathetic thought.” This skill involves imagining the circumstances that could evoke your spouse’s emotions in a given situation. By engaging in this reflective process, we can better anticipate how our spouse might feel, allowing us to respond with greater care and protection.

Sam practiced empathetic thoughts in two ways. First, being aware of Sue’s stressful day, he made a special meal for her. This act was a direct reflection of his understanding of what Sue might be experiencing and what could bring her happiness in that moment.  

Sam also demonstrated empathy in another way. He imagined why Sue might be late and how she could be feeling. This helped him avoid an angry outburst or make a disrespectful comment upon her arrival. By practicing an empathetic thought, he was able to calm his disappointment and avoid being a source of pain.

After eating together, Sam was able to express his concern for her calmly. Sue listened to his feedback and empathetically responded, “Yes, I would have felt concern if I were you. I’ll put a sticky note on my desk at work to remind me to text you when I leave the office or let you know if I’m going to be delayed, so this doesn’t happen again.”  

Sue’s previous lack of empathy toward Sam was corrected by an empathetic thought that inspired a plan to prevent a similar situation in the future. 

Although this couple may not have immediately experienced the emotional part of empathy—feeling what each other feels—they effectively tapped into the rational part. By practicing empathetic thoughts that led to an understanding of each other’s circumstances and emotions, they transformed a potential marital disaster into a marital victory.

1 Geangu, E., Benga, O., Stahl, D., & Striano, T. (2010). Contagious crying beyond the first days of life. Infant Behavior and Development, 33(3), 279-288. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.infbeh.2010.03.004

2 Roth-Hanania, R., Davidov, M., & Zahn-Waxler, C. (2011). Empathy development from 8 to 16 months: Early signs of concern for others, Infant Behavior and Development, 34(3), 447-458. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.infbeh.2011.04.007

Need help developing empathy in marriage?

Try out the Four Gifts of Love® Class, Lesson 1, for free. This class offers helpful guidelines for sharing the Emotional Needs Questionnaire and the Love Busters Questionnaire. It will also teach you MANY ways to turn on your "empathy switch" in marriage.

Or need more help?

Jennifer Chalmers, PhD, has over 30 years of marriage coaching experience. She can help you restore your love and empathy in marriage.