by Jennifer Harley Chalmers
Imagine yourself driving down the highway when suddenly someone cuts in front of you. What would be your first thoughts? What would you be tempted to do?
Years ago, this exact scenario happened to me. The car abruptly moved into my lane, forcing me to swerve and brake hard. Immediately, a cascade of feelings and thoughts consumed me, from surprise to outrage. I was stunned: “What did you just do?” This quickly grew into being frustrated: “How dare you. Don’t you know my children are in the car? You are jeopardizing our safety.” Finally, I was enraged: “That space in front of me is MINE! You need to be taught a lesson!”
Now, imagine receiving a frantic call: your mom was admitted to the emergency room and you need to get to the hospital immediately. Consumed by anxiety, fear, and worry, you might find yourself speeding through traffic, as you race against time.
How would you want other drivers to respond to your cutting in front of them? I would want them to pause, assume that I must be in a hurry to be somewhere that’s very important, and then graciously give me room to pass.
I’d love to say my driving story ended with me pausing with empathetic thoughts and responding gracefully, but it didn’t. Taking a moment to think about the person’s feelings was farthest from my mind. I didn’t want to imagine reasons for the frantic driving. My desire to “teach that driver a lesson” overcame me, leading to a “teachable moment” of tailgating the car.
Fortunately, the driver moved on, unaware of my ungraceful and unempathetic driving maneuver. It was a teachable moment, not for the driver, but for me and my children. My impulsive and self-centered reaction endangered us and was an example for my children of what I didn’t want them to do.
PIVOT in Emotional Storms
Emotional storms often develop when we don’t get what we want, when we want it, or how we want it. When the driver took “my” space, I felt stunned, frustrated, and enraged. This emotional storm triggered an instinctive reaction of impulsivity and self-centeredness.
So, my desire to be a positive role model fueled my strong motivation for change. I knew my behavior had to be corrected, telling myself, “I can’t let this happen again.”
Drawing on my professional training and experience, I developed a three-part plan. The goal was to make a 180-degree turn from the instinctive reaction of impulsivity and self-centeredness during an emotional storm. I call it the “PIVOT”: Pause – Imagine Viewpoint – Outward Turn.
The first part is a PAUSE. This could involve taking a couple of deep breaths, visualizing something relaxing or meaningful, or utilizing another relaxation skill. For me, I placed a yellow sticky note with “GRACE” on the dashboard, or visualized it if one wasn’t present. If someone cuts in front of me, I take a moment to remember grace: undeserved favor. That word triggers a reminder that my behavior isn’t perfect and I need to extend undeserved favor, just as I desire it from others.
The next part is to IMAGINE the other’s VIEWPOINT This involves a skill I call an empathetic thought: imagining the circumstances that could explain the other’s emotions and behaviors. For driving, my thought was: “That person is late for work or going to the hospital. I’d feel flustered, panicked, or overwhelmed.” The goal of an empathetic thought is not to be accurate, but to imagine a viewpoint that counteracts my self-centeredness.
The culmination of PIVOT is the OUTWARD TURN. This replaces self-centeredness with a gracious response. The counterintuitive calm that results from the pause and imagined viewpoint enables an other-focused, graceful reaction. For driving, this means backing away from a self-centered response.
To this day, the PIVOT remains an effective 180-degree turn for me in driving and other emotionally challenging times. But it requires intentionally activating the Pause – Imagine Viewpoint – Outward Turn, especially when emotions say otherwise.
PIVOT in Marriage: During Emotional Storms
In marriage, emotional storms can develop when we don’t get appreciation, respect, consideration, and when promises are broken. The same instinctive reactions as in my driving situation can be triggered, which will always lead to a marital “crash”—taking days, months, or even years to recover.
So, let me show you how to PIVOT in a marriage scenario.
Dennis and Mary were saving for a vacation, but Mary bought an expensive watch. Dennis might feel frustrated as their goal is jeopardized, resentment that the watch seemed a selfish choice, and even anger if it wasn’t the first time this had happened. This could definitely cause an emotional storm for Dennis.
Dennis is tempted to let his emotions dictate his actions. He may say, “Apparently, you can’t be trusted. Give me your credit card.” Or, “I can’t believe you’d be so selfish. How could you do this after you promised to stay within the budget?” This would lead to a definite CRASH!
But instead, Dennis chooses to PIVOT when his emotions say otherwise. Immediately after hearing about the watch, he pauses, takes a deep breath, and visualizes “GRACE,” reminding him of what he wants from Mary. He says, “Sweetie, I need to go outside. I’ll be back in 5 minutes.”
Next, Dennis imagines Mary’s viewpoint with an empathetic thought: “There may be something I don’t know that led Mary to buy the watch. I’d want her to give me an opportunity to explain the situation if I bought something for myself without discussing it with her first.”
Lastly, Dennis makes an outward turn, giving a gracious response.1 Here are some examples of what Dennis could say or do:
- Gracious silence: “Sweetie, I’m really tired right now; let’s talk more about this tomorrow morning.”
- Gracious listening: “Sweetie, tell me about this watch. I’d love to know more.” Then restate what was heard to confirm understanding.
- Gracious honesty: “Sweetie, I’d love it if we could talk about our budget on Saturday at 1 PM and negotiate options for adjusting our budget to accommodate the watch. How would you feel about that?” Or, “The watch purchase is a lower priority for me than it is for you. I’d love it if we could talk about how to have mutual agreements in the future. Would Saturday at 1 PM work for you?”
- Gracious tone of voice and expressions: Use a slower, lower tone and a term of endearment (e.g., Sweetie, Honey, Love) to lessen any harsh tone of voice, and a slight smile and raised eyebrows to counteract any angry expressions.
- Gracious action: “I’m getting a glass of water. Would you like one?”
By Dennis choosing to pause, imagine Mary’s viewpoint, and make an outward turn, he creates a new ending to this conflict. Instead of a marital “crash,” he creates a safe environment to negotiate a solution. This conscious choice to PIVOT protects their marriage and models thoughtful behavior to those around them.
All these skills are taught in more depth in the Four Gifts of Love® Class. We encourage you to try the first lesson for free and let us help you develop your gifts of care, protection, honesty, and time with your spouse, paving the way for a lifetime of love.
Need help PIVOTing in marriage?
Try out the Four Gifts of Love® Class, Lesson 1 for free. It will teach you MANY ways to master emotional storms in marriage.
Or need more help?
Jennifer Chalmers, PhD, has over 30 years of marriage coaching experience. She can help you restore your love and empathy in marriage.
1 For situations that involve domestic violence, infidelity, or drug abuse, the gracious response is to get professional help to ensure a zero tolerance for abuse in marriage.
